Freeing the Imprisoned Self: A Memoir by George Eastman

Author:George Eastman [Eastman, George]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781457526244
Publisher: Dog Ear Publishing
Published: 2014-09-19T07:00:00+00:00

Other poems attempt to capture insights at this time:

I so scrooge-squeeze my thoughts

They shrivel like a raisin

Becoming but dried dwarfs

Of my succulent desires.

And I raise some questions:

Is it thought that cries

Or the eyes?

Is it heart that smiles

Or the lips?

Is it soul that speaks

Or the tongue?

Is it I then that this song have sung

Or just my lips and eyes and tongue?

But I am finding, at last, a path that will lead me out of the terror of aloneness. It is through nature. I am more aware of earth smells, of the shifting clouds, the crickets’ song. It seems as if I am breathing in the world surrounding me. I am also, gradually, beginning to feel more connected with people.

I’ve joined the Catch Club, organized by a member of the English department at Grinnell. These complex rounds were written by composers such as Purcell and were traditionally sung by “gentlemen catch clubs” of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries. The lyrics are bawdy. Our group is made up of eight men from various college departments; I was welcomed as a strong bass. In the first joyous rehearsal I attend we sing:

Tom the Tailor

Tom making a mantua for lass of pleasure,

Pulled out, pulled out, pulled out his long,

His long and lawful measure.

But quickly found though woundily straight

Laced, Sir, nine inches, nine inches,

Nine inches, nine inches would not half

Surround her waist sir, three inches more.

At length brisk Tom advances, yet all,

Yet all too short, yet all, all, all too short,

All too short, yet all too short, all

Too short to reach her swinging haunches.

This is really fun! How isolated and detached my life has been. I need to examine who I have been and think about who I want to be. Maybe I should consider getting a doctorate in sociology. I visit several schools, and before I even apply, invitations come from two programs. The prospect of leaving Grinnell is daunting. For the first time, I feel ties: to Dr. Berryhill, to the Catch Club, and to the place where I fell apart and began to put myself back together again. Here, my first uncertain steps away from isolation were taken. Here, I was forced to confront the disconnection and isolation of my life — a confrontation involving terror, intense anxiety, and prolonged depression — the place where my authentic self struggled to rise to the surface.

Yet, through this painful understanding, I have begun to feel urgency for complete escape from my confinement. It is appealing to move on to another field, in another state; and to find a university position where I could eventually teach graduate students and do research, with no administrative responsibilities.

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